As Valentine approach, the legendary 89-year-old sex therapist, Ruth Westheimer has share some advice on how to discover your relationship is becoming a shit hole. Here are the 3 key things she shared in Instlye:

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1. YOU’RE CONSTANTLY BORED

As couples spend more and more time together, they may replace romantic nights out with Netflix and Seamless—but that’s not what Westheimer means by boredom. The thing to watch out for, she says, is when “you do not look forward to being together.” That is the basis of a strong relationship, and missing it, “is the biggest warning sign.” Do you avoid going home because you just don’t feel like hearing about their day again? Not great. “When you really are not looking forward to see the partner or to have a talk, that’s a sign.”

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2. YOU’RE STUCK IN A NEVER-ENDING FIGHT

“Another warning sign is constant bickering,” says Westheimer. Every couple butts heads. But that should never become your primary activity together.

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3. YOU NEVER TALK

Even worse than bickering, says Westheimer, is not talking at all. Some couples find themselves orbiting each other without ever really interacting. “Not having any relationship of talking to each other,” she says, gives you no chance to build a strong foundation together.

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